Please, let me fuck your mom
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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