if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
