Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize