He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
