Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
false alarm. still invincible.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
