Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
