if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize