You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
