Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
