you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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