Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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