when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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