He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize