when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
