A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
