Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
