Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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