the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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