hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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