i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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