The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
