please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
