i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
