Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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