You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
