Banned from zoo.
Again?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
