I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Mom said you looked used
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
