new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We need a shit load of segways right now
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
