somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
