first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
