Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
