I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
