You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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