i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
