I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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