my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
