1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
