This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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