the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
