I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
