We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
