I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
