if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
