just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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