I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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