I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
