nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
