Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
