Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
