Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
