please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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