no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
