You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
