how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
