I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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