dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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