Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
