My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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