He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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