____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
